We all have them. Haters. Sometimes, they come disguised as friends, co-workers, hell, even family. Sometimes, it’s the random hateful racist at the grocery store who makes a comment- loudly, to someone right near you- about how much he loves Donald Trump, and how Trump’s gonna fix this country with his wall. . . after you show this person your id with your “funny” (not-typical American) name (and maybe drop more $ than you should on pink champagne and seafood. . . but hey. . . a girl is gainfully employed and likes nice things). Sometimes, you see them coming, and are able to gird yourself, and laugh it off afterward. . .
But what about those other times?
When the unexpected, unadulterated, hateration comes out of the blue from someone you love and trust? When you go to share good news with a friend and they choose to dump all over it? When you are at the mall and encounter someone so negative, so nasty, that it has the effect of a cold blanket, drowning you in confusion and despair? No? Just me?
This is one of my biggest challenges. How do you keep your energy and vibrations up when you encounter someone who would rather shit on your parade then dance in it?
Love them. Love the crap out of them. In my love studies I came across information regarding Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. Dr. Len took a job at Hawaii State Hospital, in a ward where they kept the criminally insane- (much like your haters. . . I mean who could hate on your loveable self?). He worked there for four years. When he started, there was a really high turnover rate, because the members of the ward were so troublesome. After a few months of Dr. Len’s work, the patients healed. Medications were reduced, shackles were released, patients were released! Here’s the kicker- Dr. Len DID NOT see the patients. He would review the files, and work on himself. . . Dr. Joe Vitale, who co-wrote a book with Dr. Len, stated that when he asked Dr. Len, “What was it you were doing that caused those people to change?” Dr. Len said, “I was simply healing the part of me that created them.”
WHAT??? !!!! You mean to tell me we create our haters? I know, I know, this sounds super crazy. Dr. Len was applying the Hawaiian healing technique of ho’oponopono. This starts with the idea that we create our own reality, and that we are totally, one hundred percent responsible for this reality. That means everything- EVERYTHING- is our responsibility. Even the craziness of others. We are totally responsible.
Why does this work? Because by accepting responsibility for suffering- your own suffering, and the suffering of others- you place yourself in a position where you can do something about it. And that doesn’t mean that you can make everything better, right now, all over the place. Man, I wish I could love away poverty and ignorance. But, I can change myself. I can work on myself. I can love myself. Through that love, and the vibrations that come from that love, I can help others, heal others, and maybe even change things.
Ho’oponopono harnesses an ages old way of thought, that isn’t just relegated to ancient Hawaiian healing techniques. In Philippians 4:8 in the Bible, Paul says to the church,
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
This is kind of what we do with Ho’oponopono. We think lovely thoughts toward those things that trouble us, and take responsibility. The technique is so simple:
1.) I love you
2.) I’m sorry
3.) Please forgive me
4.) Thank you.
I know, right. Revolutionary. I think we think that we need to work through hours of therapy, and years of a mindfulness practice, and lots and lots and lots of Jesus, to get ourselves to a place where others don’t bother us.
But with this simple technique, you can take responsibility for the feelings of others, and treat them gently, with love. I was reading James Altucher, and he said that getting angry with other people is dishonest. He said something like, who are we to expect other people to be perfect? To not fail us? It is dishonest and unfair to do so, and that’s where our anger comes from. (That alone could be a post by itself :-)Aye!)
So, when someone gets you upset through their craziness, hating on you and yours and what you’re trying to do, rather than get angry. . . take responsibility for the other person’s pain. Love them, as you would want to be loved. Repeat to yourself, I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.
I recently had a friend crap all over a project I was really excited about. It seemed that with everything I said, my friend became more and more negative. I honestly had no idea where the negativity came from. The ferocity with which this “friend” spoke to me blew my mind. However, this occasion presented to me the perfect opportunity to flex my ho’oponopono muscles.
I stopped my fretting and took responsibility for the situation- Was there something I said that hit a nerve with this friend? It’s been a while since we communicated and we have both been through a lot, could she be feeling neglected as a friend? Have I been the best friend to her that I could be? My answer was, “There is a lot that I could have personally done differently, that may have prevented this overwhelmingly negative response from my friend.” Of course, sometimes there isn’t anything you really could have done differently, but the point is to take responsibility for what is done. So, I took a deep breath, rolled my eyes up to the sky and said, I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
And I did this over and over whenever I got upset. See, unfortunately, when I encounter haters, I have an inner mean girl who likes to repeat what they say, and get me discouraged. So, anytime I felt my friend’s words echo in my head over the next week or so, (I’m sure you guys let everything go right away. . . I’m working to be like you!) I would take note and say to myself, I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. And you know what? My energy changed. I found motivation to keep moving forward on my project. After taking responsibility for my part of my friend’s negative reaction, I was able to free myself from the conflict and move toward my goal. Bonus- I learned something. 1) Ho’oponopono is helpful. . . and 2) don’t work with that negative-ass friend.
What I like, (particularly because some people in your life are so toxic and negative that it is really best to stay away from them), you don’t even have to personally engage your haters with this method. From a distance, in your own quiet space you can lend love and light, and watch. . . your haters won’t really bother you anymore. Your focus turns inward, you start to concern yourself with your actions and reactions, your behavior, your motivations. This takes the energy away from the hater, and brings it into what will hopefully be a realm you can control. Yourself. Now if only that self control thing were as easy. . . this whole enlightenment game would be a wrap.
If you want to learn more about ho’oponopono, Joe Vitale and Dr. Len wrote an entire book, Zero Limits. You can find out more about it here: http://www.zerolimits.info/